14th July is here again..
Today marks the 6th year of my beloved elder brother’s passing.
How much it feels like yesterday.. How I just need to close my eyes and still feel his presence- no kidding.
*You were the biggest bully I knew 1st in my life.. Really, the biggest EVER.
*You were so irritating me always, and I will never forget the daunting trauma of being tickled almost to death by you one night when our mother went to her night-shift work leaving us siblings on our own.. It’s really not funny, I cried even!
*You would never ever give up on telling me in full-blown detail on everything and anything that caught your fancy at the moment: the latest song you like, the latest band/artist you discovered, the chocolate/snack/drink that you found, tried and force feed me, the next Queen/Malmsteen/Abba/bla bla bla album or song that you’re so madly in love with..
*You’d make me rewind repeatedly on the hi-fi sooo many songs, so that i’ll ‘catch’ the lyrics for you.. No Internet then.
*You’d wake me up from my deep sleep just to tell me the most trivial of things..
These ‘trivial’ things were never that of course, now I know. They were your own ‘prophecies’, that you just have to share with your baby sis. Issues you foresaw the future will have & hate-the not so good of CPF, the destruction of many things on Earth, my love life, our family stuffs, Islam and its many misconceptions, and also your passing…
*You’d argue, debate, delve into sleepless n endless discourses with me on too many subjects under the sky.. And still able to be soft-spoken, smile and have none of your feathers ruffled. Unlike me. I grow talons; to pull my own hair and gouge my eyes out out of frustration sometimes, after our sessions..
*You’d always reprimand and taunt me endlessly for the littlest silliest honest mistake I do; you were MY worst critic EVER! I’d cry quietly sometimes in the bathroom, after your very ‘soft’ telling off.. N you’ll always be reminding me the mistakes I did. You just don’t give up.
…Till the very end; you don’t give up.
You never give up being the special soul you are.
You left us all just weeks after turning 30, and you knew you were going all along. You even gave our mother an advanced bday wish a couple of days before you left. Her bday’s on 21st July..
You didn’t give up being you, my personal big bully who toughened me up so that NOBODY in school or life bullies me.
You made me be very street-wise, set me thinking without the damn box. You never shy away from praising me when I deserve it, and if only you knew how I cried quietly too, when you tell me you’re proud of me, or when you complimented me..
I’m in awe of you, and will always be.
You were always so filled with love, soft-spoken, polite and gentle- yet your wit, truth and sarcasm can be darn heavy for the unwilling ears to hear and the unpassionate heart to linger on.
But you were never too heavy for me, brother. I miss you always, even though I know you’re in a better place. I’m selfish like that still, you see..
Rest well in peace, my friend, bully and much beloved brother..
Till we meet again and talk about Freddie Mercury and the damned CPF. Again. Only this time, I’ll tell you that you were so fucking right all along. 🙂
“This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you..”
(Lyrics: Vincent; Starry Starry Night)